The one thing that always spoils an evening with friends at the neighborhood hangout is when one of those “friends” has one Tequila shot too many and starts slurring wild tales too fantastical to believe.
And it is with great shame to have to admit, that it was I, Slack Slacker, the spoiler of last evening, as I may have slurred one of the most fantastical tales of my life. Still, in my defense, I not only stand by this tale, but I’m submitting it to explain my absence today.
Leaving the studio, I headed directly to “the spot” on the upper West Side of Manhattan like most Thursdays around five. After a meager tip to show my distain for the filthy condition of the cab, a barely audible “get the fu*k outta here” to a healthy looking beggar and a quick double take at a curvaceous figure crossing Broadway, I entered the bar with one thing in mind. A shot of Patron ultra premium and some chips and salsa. I had a problem and I needed to think.
Earlier in the day, Doobie, my radicalized, drug abusing ,excessively violent and paranoid Yorkshire Terrier met me for lunch. I was stunned, because Doobie has been on the run from every U.S. and international law enforcement entity on the planet. In fact, there’s an SKO ( standing kill order) out on Doobie by Mossad, MI-6, the CIA, as well as most of Mexico’s drug cartels. Some even say the Taliban wants a piece of Doobie’s ass for shorting them in an opium deal when he was laying low in Afghanistan two years ago. So you can imagine my surprise when he showed up with a backpack saying he had video of Hillary Clinton’s meetings with Goldman Sachs in it. I know I should have known better, but I bit. So, how the hell do I fit into all this?
Doobie said he wanted to sell or trade the video. He said he’d already tried to work with Clinton’s operatives, but when he showed up early for the scheduled meet, he spotted snipers everywhere and two teams of private security professionals providing backup. Doobie claimed he was forced to dispose of one of the heavily armed and skilled agents in order to make his escape. (I didn’t want to know the details.) He went on to say, that even though Hillary Clinton herself tried to assure him by cellphone it was all a big mistake by those acting on their own, Doobie said he knew he couldn’t trust her or her people to keep their word. Knowing I should’ve just got up and left, like an idiot, I asked, what do you want me to do?
Now looking nervously over his shoulders, Doobie pulled a tablet from the backpack and shoved it across the table. I powered it up and logged on with the password he’d given me. I was told to open the video application and when I did, what I saw was beyond belief. It was the most demented, depraved and disgusting visuals involving human beings I’d ever seen. And these visuals were of the person who could be the next president of the United States. At first I refused to believe my lying eyes. But after a few minutes of verifying the authenticity of the evidence, I was in denial no more.
Along with Hillary Clinton, there was Lloyd Blankfein and most of Goldman Sachs’ board of directors doing things with farm animals, midgets and circus clowns so perverted, even I don’t have the imagination to accurately describe the unbridled debauchery. Hillary had shed her trademark pantsuit for a skintight leather body outfit (a sight frightening in and of itself) with a cat-o-nine tails she used to her delight, whipping black men like slaves in the old days. Screaming in ecstasy, “now that’s how you get a predator to yield,” Hillary exhausted herself before passing the whip on to others. And by the way, from what I witnessed, Hillary Clinton should never be allowed to kiss a baby with that mouth again.
The video was more than two hours in length as it covered all three of the of the meetings in question. Each meeting had a different theme, but all equally, horribly sick and twisted. And, while I can’t be sure, I would swear I saw Bill Clinton watching from a door left slightly ajar. And that, I could believe. After having a chance to process what I’d just seen and realizing how hot this video was, stupidly I asked Doobie how and where he got the video. And like the smart ass he always is, he answered, you really don’t want to know. And like always with Doobie and sh*it like this, he was right, I didn’t.
So I said, it looks like we’re right back where we started. What do you want me to do, I asked? Look, he says, I’m hotter than fish grease, low on dough and I can’t risk hanging out in the open too much longer. I need you to act as middleman between me, Trump and the Sanders campaigns. I need you to see who’ll pay the most for this video. And for your help we’ll split the take 70/30. Of course I get the 70%, he said. Of course, I said.
So, can you do it? Can you do it quickly and quietly? Can you do it for an old friend? And like an idiot, I had Doobie send the encrypted data to my tablet and told him I’d think about it over drinks later in the evening. And that’s how we left things. But it wasn’t until I’d downed more than a few shots of Tequila that I realized, I might be the most powerful person in the world, in that I could make a King or destroy a Queen. Unfortunately, when you slur a tale like this in a bar, people can find it too fantastical to believe. C-ya Monday, I got a big decision to make.