Slack Slacker Meets The Cyclops and His Eye Creature
I was honored when you left me, Slack Slacker, in charge of monitoring and maintaining office productivity and attendance during your absence for the next two weeks. Considering my record of absenteeism due to the most unusual and difficult to believe circumstances, I would’ve fully understood if you’d trusted someone else for this awesome opportunity and responsibility. And it’s because of that trust, I feel ashamed to advise you that I was forced to place your trust and that responsibility in the hands of an office intern due to another most unusual and difficult to believe circumstance. Please, I beg of you, allow me to explain.
My desk clock flashed 4:51PM when my best bud Slick Slimy rang me on my cell for a favor. He told me he’d gotten some kind of eye infection and was experiencing unbearable pain. Since I knew you’d understand and would do the same for a friend in need, I left the office early to meet Slick at the curbside for a fast cab ride uptown to his opthamologist. When we arrived, Dr. Papadopoulos’ office was packed, So we went through the usual insurance verification and have a seat routine and patiently awaited to be called. But Slick’s patience didn’t last long, as the pain he complained of persisted unabated. We asked to be seen as an emergency, but a really tall, massively built, hooded and hidden faced stranger protested. “I was here first” he said angrily.
Respecting this man’s size and worried about his attitude, I told Slick to chill and that it couldn’t be that much longer. However, Slick was in pain and began demanding to be looked at now. But the big hidden faced stranger was adamant about his place on the next patient list, telling Slick he was acting like a pussy and should STFU and sit TF down. Apparently, Dr. Papadopoulos overheard the ruckus in the waiting room and came to settle things down. When he saw Slick’s eye, he motioned for an assistant to escort Slick to an examination space immediately and pleaded with the massively built, hooded and hidden faced stranger for understanding. He didn’t understand. The massively built hooded and hidden faced stranger stormed out of the office slamming the door so hard, plate glass windows shattered across the street. Yes, this was an “Oh Shit” moment I should’ve given more thought to.
After Slick was treated, given a prescription and a cool eye patch to wear, we headed over to our favorite Tequila joint on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Looking forward to a few shots, some buffalo wings and shooting a little one-eyed pool with Lady Barfly, we thought this Thursday night was gonna be different. For once, I was gonna have a fun filled evening out with friends ending without incident or drama. Unfortunately, that was not to be, because when we entered the spot, seated in a booth, in the darkest corner of the room, was the really tall, massively built, hooded and hidden faced stranger.
Why Slick didn’t spot him immediately was understandable. Slick only had one working eye. But I had no such impairment. I could see this person was someone to fear. I grabbed Slick by the arm and started for the exit. But it was too late. The really tall, massively built, hooded and hidden faced stranger stood and removed that hood to reveal his hidden face. And what a face to hide. It was one huge bulging bloodshot eyeball centered in the middle of this monster’s forehead dripping a pus-like fluid, as it glared evilly at everyone in the bar. Patrons were frozen stiff with terror. We tried to run but Cyclops man’s paralyzing stare petrified us. Were it not for bartender Lumpy Louie’s quick thinking, by throwing a dart toward the Cyclops’ face, we would’ve never escaped his killer gaze.
Once out of the bar, we walked at a brisk pace, all the while looking over our shoulders constantly to see if the Cyclops man followed. When we discovered he was, but moving way too slowly to ever catch us, Slick unwisely gave the Cyclops man his middle finger and hollered back, asking how many fingers did he see. I say this was an unwise taunt, because it was then, the Cyclops man shook his head so violently, he caused that huge, bulging, bloodshot, pus dripping eyeball to leap from his forehead, sprout leg and arm-like appendages and gave chase like something out of a 1950’s low-budget horror movie. Incredibly, this eye creature was being mentally controlled by its master, left blocks behind. Talk about keeping an eye on a mother-phucker.
We did our best to stay beyond the eye creature’s reach, but it was too fast and determined. The bulging, pus dripping eyeball finally trapped us in an ally behind a shuttered bodega and held us there until the Cyclops man could arrive to do away with us. This couldn’t be happening, I thought to myself. But it was, I was stone cold sober. While panicked and nervously awaiting a fate worse than any soul deserved, I tried to communicate with the eye creature. But it remained silent and watchful. It wasn’t long before Cyclops man was standing beside his big bloodshot eyeball, praising it for our capture.
Somehow, I summoned the courage to ask Cyclops man who he was and what we did to cause his anger. He said he was Polyphemus, son of Poseidon and with the God’s permission, he’d breached the gates of time to exact revenge upon the last living descendent of Odysseus – the man responsible for nearly destroying his only eye. Yeah, it was just a myth the Cyclops was completely blinded by Odysseus. He had just enough sight left to see exactly who used the poisoned tipped spear. Cyclops man said Dr. Papadopoulos was that last living descendent and now that he’s been warned, he’s certain the Dr. will go into hiding. He said, “Because your pal was pitching such a bitch over a minor eye infection, I missed my opportunity for good”. So, in sheer desperation, I asked, “What could we do to make amends?” “Yeah”, chimed in Slick, “we had no idea.” Cyclops man said nothing but an eye for an eye will do. And since Slick was already half blind, I had no choice but to volunteer. Besides, I knew you would do the same.
Therefore, with any luck at all and your prayers of course, I should have this medical emergency adequately addressed before your return from your vacation after Thanksgiving weekend.
Always wishing well, sincerely yours, Slack Slacker