Slack Slacker Meets the Wolf Woman
The clock read 3:15 PM when my best bud Slick called. It was his usual attempt to coax me out of the office for a really early head start on Happy Hour Thursdays at our favorite upper West Side spot. And although I was on management’s watch list of loafers, when Slick mentioned Juicy Lucy and Hoochie Coochie would be joining us, his offer was too alluring to resist. Meet me in the lobby in fifteen, I say.
Leaving my jacket on the back of my chair and a cell phone (not mine, just something I found) sitting atop some carefully arranged files, my cube gave every appearance of someone who’d be right back. And God as my witness, I had every intention of being right back. I’d be right back Friday morning. Once in the elevator, I was home free. We tipped our favorite bums lingering about outside looking for loose change and hailed the fastest, recklessly driving cabbie heading uptown.
Since Slick was cool enough to have his solid gold flask at the ready, we were buzzed way before bellying up at the bar for our first round of freebies. OMG, it was Hoochie sauntering over with Juicy in tow. Both were smiling and obviously primed for a good time. They too had already had a few shots and were looking to grab a booth in the back before the spot got crowded. Like gentlemen, we let the ladies lead the way, although the way Hoochie saunters, most guys would let her lead the way. Hoochie could lead a guy off a cliff.
Chilling in the back, under a dim light, I was swapping a few lies with Juicy, while Slick was swapping spit with Hoochie. I don’t mean to belabor the point, but the only things bigger on Hoochie’s body than her hips were her lips, so it was awkward watching her nearly swallow Slick’s head at the table. And BTW, I’m referring to his head with ears, so get your mind out of the gutter. This ain’t that kind of story.
After a few more shots, snacks to soak them up with and some slurred conversation, I could see Slick plotting to take his opportunity to the next level. While the girls were in the “Ladies Room”, Slick borrowed cab fare for a ride back to his apartment for some privacy. And after witnessing what Hoochie could do with a kiss, anything more they’d do in public could get them arrested. I didn’t protest. When the girls returned, Slick and Hoochie left in a hurry, as Juicy slid back into the booth and snuggled up to me. But something was odd about Juicy. Even in the dim lighting, I noticed she had a bit of a hairy upper lip. And that wasn’t there before.
Hoping she didn’t notice me notice her peach fuzz, I did the politically correct thing and went to the bar and ordered more Tequila shots and chips. But when I returned with the goodies minutes later, this bitch was sporting a five o’clock shadow. Considering it takes me two days to get that kinda growth, I knew something crazy was about to go down. That’s when Juicy asked me to take a seat and get comfortable. I was too curious not to, so I did.
After downing two quick shots, I summoned the courage to ask, “Do you know you’re growing a full beard right in front of my face?” And as if that were a perfectly normal question, Juicy calmly answered, yes, she did and asked if I liked it. Since she could tell I was clearly stumped for a politically correct response, I was relived when she interrupted me to explain. Juicy told me that today, the 29th of September, 2016, is the eve of a Black Moon. A Black Moon refers to the rare occurrence of two new moons in a single month, she said. These are not the moons of werewolf lore as they can not be seen. While Juicy’s nails seem to extend as she spoke, I pretended to be oblivious to her gradual transformation.
“This Friday night’s Black moon is particularly unique”, she said, “because the first new moon took place on the first of the month and the second new moon falls on the last. This September is bookended by darkness. The eve of this rare moon is the perfect time to select a mate”, she said. “And I’ve selected you.” After downing the last two shots on the table, as politely as I could manage, I excused myself and starting easing my way out of the booth. But she followed. Why nobody noticed this monster tailing me into the men’s room could only be attributed to the cheap liquor this spot serves up and the alcoholics attracted to it. I was in trouble.
Now that anybody or in this case anything, can enter any restroom these days, I knew she’d be smashing through the door any minute. As usual, I was wrong. Within seconds, the beast was within feet of me, slobbering slobber, growling and howling, all the while trying unsuccessfully to entice me with her hairy boobs. This was a scene out of a horror movie no one should see, because in a blindingly fast leap, Juicy had me pinned to the floor with her long wolf claws digging into my skin. All I could do was close my eyes to avoid her piercing red hot gaze. Was she trying to hypnotize me? Yes, she was. I was losing consciousness.
After awakening in a pool of perspiration, what looked like urine and some slimy substance of unknown origin, I pulled myself together and returned to the bar for another shot of Tequila before leaving for the evening. It wasn’t until I got home that I realized I had love bites all over my neck and a few were bleeding. Knowing instantly it’d be unwise to return to work without a rabies shot, in the interest of my coworkers, I’m forced to do the right thing by calling in sick today.
Thanking you in advance of your prayers,