RetroVision Media is offline today due to unforeseen circumstances. Slack Slacker was seen sitting at his desk this morning having a cup of coffee and preparing for work as though it was any other day of the week.
Smiling and nodding hello, the entire crew watched in wonderment as he went about doing things people do around here like, writing copy, doing research and gathering data for Issues Under Fire. But WTF is Slack Slacker doing here on Friday?
Clearly, he’s up to no good, because Slack has dragged his ass in here every Monday morning for years, passing off the flimsiest fantastical fantasies imaginable as excuses for being absent from work on Fridays. There’s something amiss. There’s something very wrong. We’re watching him carefully looking for signs or clues of some kind of scam. Since nobody could figure out why he came in today, Kathy, the copy editor, just asked him outright what was up. Slack answered with a smile saying he was a new man. He’d seen the light. He wanted to be a better person.
Kathy is one of our more gullible staffers, so she accepted this lame line of lies and went about her business, but others weren’t so easily convinced. We kept an eye on Slack as he pecked away on his keyboard while staring at the monitor. As far as we could tell, Slack Slacker was working and working quite hard. He actually went to the restroom and came back within a reasonable amount of time. After a little more paper shuffling, a few more nods of hello to other arriving employees and it was right back to the keyboard and monitor. We were all shocked. And then it happened.
Brianna and Arielle, two recent new hires, came over to introduce themselves and see if Slack would like to have lunch. He smiled and said he was a new man. He’d seen the light. He wanted to be a better person. Brianna said that was cool, but asked again about having lunch. Slack smiled and said he was a new man, he’d seen the light and he wanted to be a better person again. Arielle had heard enough and was overheard saying “Dude” was weird as they decided to just leave him alone. It wasn’t long before others were getting the same programmed-like responses from Slack.
Somebody eventually peered over Slack’s shoulder and noticed there were nothing but random numbers being typed on his computer. When he wasn’t giving the same crazy spiel to people, he was just staring blankly at his monitor. We all knew something strange was going on but what it was, was a mystery. We called Lee, our resident mystery solver to have a subtle chat with Slack to see if this could be alcohol related. Considering Slack’s middle name is “One Too Many”, we thought that was a good place to start. But when Lee took one look at him, he said, mystery solved. “This ain’t Slack.”
Lee went on to explain that this “thing” sitting at Slack Slacker’s desk was a slacker droid. He’d seen them used in work environments all over the world to spy on employees. Slacker droids aren’t just standing around water coolers goofing off, they’re monitoring those standing there with them. When they’re talking others into taking naps on the job or padding expense accounts, the slacker droids are transmitting all these activities to the bastards in H.R. Never trust a slacker, he said. Any one of them could be a droid. But he looks so real, we all mused.
Of course, everyone wanted to know whether there really is a real Slack Slacker, or has this “thing” been keeping everybody under production surveillance all this time? Lee said there’s only one way to find out for sure. So we closed the office for the day, gagged and duct tapped the slacker droid to an office chair and locked him in the storage room. So when or if another Slack Slacker shows up on Monday pretending everything is normal, one of these S.O.B’s is getting FIRED!
To be continued…